Advice Column
by Beliel
Summary: The cast of Julius Caesar all have their little problems, and this advice column has the answers! Just silly.


I wrote this as a final project in a literature course. The characters are from William Shakespeare's "The Tragedy of Julius Caesar", but also from.. Gosh! History!

"Doric" is a type of Roman (and Greek) Column style. I thought the pun was amusing.

The Doric: An Advice Column 

Dear Doric,

I appear to have a bit of a problem. I've just been murdered. By my best friends, no less! It's really rather vexing. One minute I'm on top of the known world, the next; just a corpse. The best I can hope for now is a stint as a vengeful ghost, then off to paradise. I wasn't even finished writing my book, "The Conquerors Guide to the World." And I was hoping it would become a best seller! I just don't know what to do now, it's so inconvenient!

Sincerely,

Damn those Ides

Dear Hater of Ides,

Your problem is one commonly faced by powerful, or obnoxious, leaders. The first step is to look back and see if there were any warning signs; Soothsayers, bad omens, loved ones having nightmares, that sort of thing. Now, this won't change the fact that you're dead, but coming to terms with any denial that led to your death is always a good first step.

I recommend you take a minute, relax, go attend your own funeral, and then haunt your murderers a bit. Getting that haunting out of your system can really be a relief. It lets you vent some aggressions, and see your "friends" get a bit of comeuppance. But don't overdo the haunting, or you could be stuck at it. Just get it out of your system, and then go enjoy the afterlife. There's a lot more to do than dwell on your murder, after all!

Good luck!

The Doric

Dear Doric,

I've just killed my best friend. I did it for the good of the state, but I still feel really guilty about it. What do I do?

Waiting for reply,

Did I do right?

P.S. I think I see him out of the corner of my eye now. Is he haunting me?

Dear Doubting,

You feel guilty?

Good.

In the future, keep in mind that killing your friends is not usually a good idea. Not if you want to have friends, at least. A bit of vengeful haunting is to be expected in a circumstance like yours. Proper contrition and your eventual tragic demise should clear that ghost problem right up, though.

Sincerely,

The Doric

Dear Doric,

I was one of the ones who killed Caesar last Tuesday. Everyone thinks I did it out of jealousy, fear, a need to prove myself, or because my mother was a bitch. I don't understand. Why do they think these things? I really only did it for the good of the state! How do I convince others my intentions were good?

Contemplating,

C. C.

Dear C.C.,

If you really did do it for the good of everyone, then more power to you. Unfortunately, the general opinion here at the Roman Weekly is that you're a scheming bastard. Go soak your head in lime.

Regards,

The Doric

Dear Doric,

I am beginning to think I'm falling into the trap of ambition. I don't know what to do! I don't want to end up like Caesar, but I'm not sure how to deal with this, and what to do with myself if I'm not in a position of power!

Frantic,

M. Anthony

Dear M. Anthony,

If you're feeling the stress and pressures of power, along with a little megalomania, I suggest you take a vacation. There's nothing like a little R&R to lighten the spirit and give you a new perspective on life. May I suggest Egypt? I hear the scenery is lovely this time of year, and the royalty is to die for when it comes to congeniality.

Relax,

The Doric

Dear Doric,

I've just become the next real Caesar of Rome, and no one's paying attention to me. The spotlight's on that damn Brutus, and even Anthony gets more attention then I do. The most I seem able to accomplish is to sit in the background and look pretty. What should I do?

Worried,

Octavius

P.S. Can you recommend any good beauticians and tailors in Philippi?

Dear Octavius,

The best thing to do in your situation is to let the drama unfold for everyone else. Too much worrying is bad for the skin, and getting involved in other people's tragedies just isn't tasteful. Don't worry though, once they get it all out of their system, you'll be able to take the spotlight and really shine. Just be patient for your turn.

There's a great tailor down in west Philippi, by the name of Cornelius Stichicus, he can recommend people for all the other hair and skin-care needs you may need while in Philippi.

Regards,

The Doric


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